NirvanaFunClub

She was already in the train when I’ve entered. I didn’t see her at first. It is hard for me to walk around, these days. Extreme heat exhausted me. I had to lean forward, grab my knees and look at the floor for a little while. To catch my breath and stop being dizzy. I stood up and leaned onto closed doors of the wagon and starred at the distance. Aimlessly looking at other passengers. They all looked standardised. I had my own thoughts: about my stamina, changed appearance, what makes me happy and will I ever get used to this new state of things in which the smell of stale beer makes me desperately nostalgic.

I was pregnant. 5 months. It was not visible enough for people to start treating me differently, but was long enough for my outlook on life to change. For panic to enter my sleep. For my identity to be made questionable. Completely unstable.

I saw her sitting with a huge bag of hiking clothes. I knew it because it had this famous American company logo of a brand that even I know makes only outdoor clothes. Something was funny about how she looked. I have immediately thought she got a new boyfriend. The outdoor type so she had to reinvent herself or at least buy new clothes to try and go camping with him. There was also the possibility she just moved to Spain and her new friends invited her hiking and she immediately went to buy the exclusive outfit for the occasion. In any scenario. I thought her life is heading upstream. The kind of upstream when you feel like investing in everything especially your new self. Wishing to hold on to everything that surrounds you. Every moment, every friend, every bus ticket. I was jealous of that feeling. I remembered that feeling. The excitement. The newness of life. Being surprised that something so lively is happening to you.

Something else was funny about her. I did not realise it at first, but she was much skinnier than other people around her. She had blond hair, but the kind that is quite thin and falls very close to the face. I could see her collar bones. But that was not so surprising. What was surprising is that she had a shirt, something like too loosely fitted cardigan that left a hole, naked stripe across her chest and down to her abdomen. She didn’t have an ounce of fat, just bone and muscle. She was sitting up straight. Looking proud.

First I thought: “I look like that. That is nothing to be proud of.” But then I came to my senses. I never had such a small frame, such tinny bone structure. Such proud posture, to sit up-straight and look right ahead of myself. To use those muscles.

She is a model

It was obvious she is built different. She was living ‘the newness of life’. She was probably getting some money, as well. She was also dressed differently. She had kitten healed flip-flops. The latest most ridiculous fashion trend. I say ridiculous, because those shoes look so fragile to begin with, let alone on a human being.

I got nauseas, not because of the girl, but because of the baby I am hosting in my body. I looked in front and tried to stay focused on counting stops. I got angry. I looked sick. Had to lean forward again, holding my knees but no one stood up or cared, I didn’t look pregnant enough.

I didn’t even notice when a kitty heal stepped on my sandal.

I was practically barefoot. She leaned onto me, refusing to hold on to a bar in the train or let go of the bag with the purchased things. She was smiling like she was flirting with everyone on the train and getting away with it. First she leaned on me, then she step on my foot. I have mumbled something toxic, venomous. I was being mean. I looked her straight into the eyes and produced my meanest face expression. I did not hold back. She did not look away. It lasted couple of seconds and then,

she exited the train. I didn’t even feel her stepping on my foot. That is how light she was. I got angry. I was mad she is light. I was mad she is optimistic. I was made she was self-satisfied. I was made she had excitement coming her way. And I was mad she had nothing to be ashamed of. I wanted her ashamed.

How t(o)ypical it is to hate a women because she is shinny.