NirvanaFunClub

I had a job interview the other day. I am trying to work for myself, both figuratively and literally, so when someone contacts me out of the blue, and it is a tech boy, with a smile that says “I am relaxed, enjoy life and have a brain that works” I feel like I won the lottery. He also smiled as a nice human being, with a humble sense of self, ready to make fun of the world including himself. Steady, basic human values, good reasoning skills, able to determine important from unimportant issues, money being the less important life worry, telling me: “I saw your profile through the womens’ collective, I am building a website for them and I have this interdisciplinary project I need help with. I think you would be a perfect fit.”

And that is how the Rome was won, in a day.

We talked, we laughed, I was confused: he talked about himself, his hobbies, his community, his passions, then he asked me subtile-y about my skills: “So, WHEN did you realise you are good in organisation?” and I said: “Well, I started hanging around in this developing company and I’ve realised they do not know how to change the bed sheets effectively(?) You know how some people need to get inside the sheet, with their entire upper body, in order to get the corners etc, well I do not need to do that, so that’s when I knew. My state of being is a skill.”

After 45′

“Ok, so you will need to meet my partner, he is a proper finance guy. Older, white, man, that is in finance, very serious and everything. I really do not know how I’ve ended up here, but I am surrounded with finance guys, so yeah… You need to meet him. Next week?”

“Perfect! Should I make a PowerPoint presentation of myself?” He raised his eyebrows in surprise. The understanding he got from me for his hobbies and quirks did not extend in my direction, apparently. “Ok, I will think of something, I am a ****** after all, I am trained in formal behaviour.”

Next week, on VideoCall

“I can’t hear you. Yeah maybe you should go in-and-out.” I re-started the call, but I knew it was this new browser I was using, started just a couple of days ago, I’ve turned on some strange restrictions, by accident, almost.

Too much text, too many tasks in a day.

“Let’s wait for Thomas to get here, he started the call.” I was soo nervous, I got stuck in a repetitive loop of useless actions. I’ve re-started the call in the same browser, again.

“I can’t hear you. Let’s wait for Thomas, he will be here shortly, we just finished another meeting.” But, I knew what it is, I can sort this out:

C/P link to my old browser. Yes, I agree to allow access to my camera and microphone.

Aaaand, voilà!

“Hi. How are you?” It worked. “Hi, oh, Thomas, good, you are also here, we had some problems so I said we should wait for you, you organised this call, so you can help with the link.” Thomas smiled, quite diplomatically: “No, that is not relevant.”

I’ve rushed in, to prevent making a big deal out of my tech mistake: “So, it is all solved now, let me start by introducing myself. I will share my screen to show some highlights. I have finished …

…

… and that is how I’ve learned about what can also be useful in this project.” I have finished the exposé about myself, stopped sharing my screen, and looked at this little square containing a white man, indeed, but not in a suit and tie, he was wearing a washed out t-shirt, blue one, with, what it seamed like, sponsored text, he had brown hair and glasses, he frowned so heavily that his face looked like a creased napkin, or a raisin, but what stood out to me the most was how deeply hunched over he was. Even through the screen I could see him sitting in a very high chair, it seamed like a bar chair, and being hunched down very low, almost with his head close to his hips on one side, next to his computer. He looked properly dissatisfied and annoyed, not even with me, more with life, maybe even with a nuisance of existing in a physical form.

“Ok, yes, that’s all good, and yes I haven’t pursued that but maybe we can take an advantage of that in the future. I don’t know. Have you heard what is happening in Europe now? We have an in, we have our lady there. You know about M**** Dr**h*?”

“Who? No, I do not think I’ve heard about him.”

“What?! How do you imagine to work on this if you haven’t heard of the most important person for the local financial politics in the last couple of years?! We are reading his reports here, we’ve all read it, it is mandatory. I am not paying someone to educate them. Thomas, this can’t be, we cannot pay someone that doesn’t know the basics. I have talked yesterday with a young man that watches financial news all the time, he is following the stock exchange on every day basis. This can’t be. Thomas, I have to go to another meeting, you solve this.”

I was left in a call with my wonder-boy friend. I was in shock. I’ve tried to say things. I’ve tried to explain myself, to highlight I know what I was brought there to do, and of course I will read the report before I start developing anything for them, I do not need to be taught things. But the crouched finance white man did not let me get a word in. He was in his angry, dissatisfied universe. I was silenced. I’ve said all of those held-back-things to Thomas, but he didn’t seam to care. He just raised his eyebrows. He seamed deflated, disappointed, but also amused, smiling after just a couple of seconds in the private call we were left in. He gave me a chance, tried to prepare me and then I didn’t know something so basic like this?! But it is not his problem… 🙂

“I never said I was a finance guy, btw” I’ve tried, again. He nodded slightly and changed a subject.

“So, you send me a little proposal, like this one, you see?” He was sharing his screen scrolling through some long text explaining some design work. I thought, immediately, how it is more of an essay than an offer. What did I get myself into? I’ve thought I’ve got the job and now I see I am only asked to submit my offer? Along with other people?

“Ok, so I have to ask, if I am doing my job properly: How big of a budget do you have for this? How much CAN I ask?”

He smiled “Well I do not know **.** EUR but if he likes you he can give you **.** EUR I don’t know.” He was laughing embarrassingly. I did not understand this or their dynamic at all.

“I will send you the email of those developers I was talking about. Maybe you can send them an email?”

“Shouldn’t we maybe wait a bit with all that? Until I am accepted? You know, the NDA and all that.”

“Ok, yeah, you are right.”

“I will send you the offer probably by the end of the weekend.”

“I will be on my holidays next week but I can maybe go through it before I go.”

“Ok, deal. Let’s do this! Have a nice vacation.”

“Yeah, thank you. Bye.”

I have clicked the END CALL button and felt embarrassed. I’ve called my best friend, tried to remember the name of the guy I’ve never heard of, he agreed with me, until I remembered the name: “Oh, yeah, I know who he is, yes.” And then he proceeded to explain who the person was. I could feel his voice slowly letting go of the enthusiasm he had in defending me at the beginning of the conversation. Embarrassment turned into feeling of worthlessness. I couldn’t shake the feeling. I called my mom: “Oh yeah, I know who he is, isn’t he the guy…” She started collecting the information she had in her brain, cheerfully. My mom loves sharing knowledge with people. Anyone, really. I’ve seen her the happiest when she can collect the information she has in her brain and reproduce them in a novel way. I felt even worse.

I felt like a raisin, or a creased napkin.

I have started to question whether I can call myself human? Can I consider myself a part of a tribe or am I now shun away forever, or at least for a couple of years until I buy my IN with exemplary behaviour and usefulness? Am I human? What does that even mean? Can I be this beautiful specimen I love and value even if people are frowning when they see me, and are unpleasantly surprised by my performance of being a human? I really really like being human, I have been practicing for years, I do not want to start over as being something else, I really, really want to belong. You know what? I can do it by myself! I can! Oh, god, here we go again, loneliness. Uf, what will I do now?!

…

Do I even deserve to be human if I do not have a job?