NirvanaFunClub

It was a friend of mine that first said: “Why are you running, we are not gonna make it anyway.” We were going on a trip together. I was late. We had to start at 4AM to catch a bus for the airport. We were students. I was late. He said: “Stop running. It is useless. Just walk and we will catch the next one.” He was mad, or at least sounded like he was, moody, but he was right. I have spent my entire life until then and a couple of years after, pretending I can make it: I can catch the bus, I can meet the deadline, I can revive the dead. I would give energy to this unreasonable feeling that if I act a certain way, things are not gonna be the way they are. That is called superstition, magic, believing in magic or just believing in general. Spending energy and not being able to deal with the reality. Dealing with the failure. With the fact I, me, myself have failed.

We had made it to the airport in time and everything was fine. I was in love with him. He was absolutely beautiful and completely savage. All explainable by his age. During the trip, some girl, a 6-year old girl, was hiding behind me on the back of a seat of a car, embarrassed of how pretty my friend was. And my friend was sleeping the entire time. I told him that when he woke up. He wasn’t surprised, or at least he acted like he wasn’t. He held his head so high, I felt like I was looking at a Disney prince.

First night of our trip, he tried to sleep with me. I didn’t want that. It broke my heart. He just wanted to sleep with me because we were alone on a trip in a foreign country and he was a boy, a pretty young boy. A couple of minutes before – he propositioned himself to me by touching my hand when we were in bed, he was flirting with some girls in the hallway. I almost started crying, like when you get slapped. I was gutted. Nothing too serious though, at the end of the day, a childish crush. I turned him down. I was intrigued, but honest: “I Like you and you only want to sleep with me because I am here, and I do not want it like that, I want you to like me too.” He turned around and pretended to fall a sleep. He proceeded to be mad at me for the rest of the trip.

He was so mad that he would leave me to go fetch the food alone, through the streets of an unknown city, at night, with no public lights involved. He was so mad that when I got into trouble with some random men he said: “You brought it onto yourself.” He was so mad that he didn’t talk to me the whole plane ride back home. He was so mad that he did not join any of our group gatherings. He was so mad that he ignored me the entire time it took us to graduate.

He was mad at me for the rest of our time at the university.

His last night at college I went to his room, with a jar of his favourite candy. He let me in. We were alone.
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure, why not…”
“So, I got you this.”
“Oh, thanks?”
“I mean, you do not have to take it, eat it, whatever.”
“No, it’s fine, I will have some.” He smiled
“Finally, you smiled. What the fuck was all this ignoring and stuff? Jeez! I am not mad, are you mad?”
“No, for fucks sake, just let it go.”
“Ok, I will not bother you with it. So, when are you leaving tomorrow?”
“6AM.”
“Oh, that sucks, sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. I am ok.”
“Ok. I mean you have to go to sleep soon.”
“Yeah, but it’s fine.”
“I’ll only stay for a couple of minutes, don’t worry. Do you remember when we had to go with TAXIs through that mountain, that was pretty scary, but fun, remember that girl at the back of the car? She was pretty smitten by you.” I have pushed him sideways, we were looking out of the window of his room.
“Yeah.” He smiled
“Do you want any more of this? I will go now.”
“Give me one more.” He grabbed a spoonful, I closed the lid of the jar and headed towards the door
“So. Bye. Have a safe trip home.”
“Thank you. You too.”
He was standing on the door prepared to close them. I was standing in the hallway, holding a jar and hoping he will say something else. I cannot leave just yet. He closed the door. I turned and started walking home. I was crying, a bit. Just a bit. I never saw him again.

It was a friend of mine that first said:
“Why are you running, we are not gonna make it anyway.”