NirvanaFunClub

It has been years since I have entered a store to buy 1 piece of underwear. Now, I buy them in bulk because I know which ones I want, but couple of years ago I have entered a store, saw black panties and wanted to buy 1 for a trial period.
‘Durable, comfortable, tight/loose on all the right places’
these are the important specifications for a piece of clothing that goes under every other piece of fabric you put on yourself.

– “I would like to buy these. Please.”
– “Alright. We have a promotion now, if you buy 2 of those you get 1 for free.” said the cashier lady
– “Oh, thank you, that’s alright I only need 1 pair.”
– “Are you sure? You can get 3 pieces for a price of 2, and you always need underwear, am I right?” She smiled at me, overly enthusiastic.
– “But I only need 1 pair, even if they were free, I only need 1, so if I buy 2 I will get 3 which is 2 more than I need, I will spend twice as much money than if I buy 1. So, no, thank you I will get only this 1 pair.”
– “Ok. As you wish.”

She proceeded to put the panties in the bag and started printing the receipt. She did not seemed bothered by our interaction.

I have.

I have been thinking about it ever since. I am not obsessed by it. It pops into my head now and then. It was one of the first times I have woken up from a consumeristic coma, so to speak. From being in store overwhelmed and dizzy from being under a shinny objects telling me I need them to feel better spell.

A couple of days ago I have found myself searching for an item for 3 euros in order to spend 30 euros in a store so I can get a 10% discount. It was hard. Everything I wanted to buy was already in my bag. I was effectively searching for that free item to have. I would like to get some of the items I have already bought for free, not that extra one I do not really need.

I’ve bought cookies,
sugar cookies,
awful cookies,
they fitted the price,
I didn’t want to spend a cent more than 30 euros.

Linked. I spend a lot of my time on youtube: aimlessly looking at people giving me advice on how to live my life in order to feel better, or excellent, or worthy?
I am not sure yet.
It starts with me feeling stuck and having a real question in my head that needs an answer.
It quickly derails into advice for all sorts of things, usually involving ‘what not to eat’ and ‘when to wake up in the morning’. After those sessions I feel truly terrible.
I am not doing anything right,
not even managing my own bodily fluids.
Worst than an infant.
Not worthy of a human,
but I am still better than everyone, right?

We, as humans, have been existing on this earth foooor:
– Neanderthal ( 550,000 – 750,000 years ago)
– Homo sapiens (300,000 years ago)
…for a lot.

And during all this time, we managed to survive in that way or the other. Waking up with sunrise, going to sleep at sunset with an awake period around midnight to do stuff, but mostly to have sex. For example.

We have lived and adapted reacting to the world around us.
We managed to communicate with our surroundings and act accordingly. So why the fuck am I trying to live like some American kid in her 20s? Or a Scandinavian with a lot of free time on his hands? Why on earth can I not live on earth and just be alive?

I just want to buy one 1 (read: ONE) pair of underwear, let other people have the rest!